Competitiveness, the comparison lie and feelings of inadequacy have been the fall of many sisterhood relationships. We all have our stories and can point to the areas of how these 3 things have contributed to relationships that ended in closure, and in many cases, closure that was unhealthy. The Ugly Truth is about getting to the root of what causes the disruption of establishing good relationships with each other and knowing that much of it lies in self. When I think about women doing positive things to empower and inspire other women, I have bore witness to those that have chosen to not support (even if it’s something that could positively impact their lives) because of the person holding the "mic". In some of those cases, women have competed and compared with other women because of their inability to really address and unpack what their actions really speak to.
If we look at ourselves, taking a hard look at that “self”mirror, acknowledging those areas we need to grow, we can differentiate between not supporting another women because it’s not in alignment with who we are, versus not supporting because of envy. When I speak about the ugly truth it’s really about knowing who you are and knowing your worth. We all bring value to another person’s life when we are in a healthy space of self-actualization and living our truth. If we truly understand that each of us has an individual calling, there should be no fear of another woman bringing her vision to life, becoming successful personally or professionally, and succeeding.
Although everyone is entitled to their feelings, the behaviors that come to life because of the feeling is what can bring situations rooted in drama and unnecessary competitiveness. The truth is, we all have the power within us to do that which we are called to do. Witnessing someone live out what is their purpose, should never lead us to comparing or feeling less than. When we take it a step further and address the comparison lie in what we are seeing others do, we need to understand that “all that glitters is not gold”. The comparison lie is built on looking at someone else's life from our vantage point (via personally knowing them or what we think we know about them) based on what we see or experience as it relates to that person. The lie comes when we compare who we are and what we are doing to what we see or experience, without knowing the full story behind what led to their achievement(s) and then making decisions on our lives, based on their experience. Still with me? Here's the bottom line: We don’t know what comes with the blessings of another person’s success. We don’t know up close and personal what battle they are fighting, how much time they spent on their knees to bring their vision to life, and what price they had to pay to “win”. We never fully know a person's journey to understand that what they achieve or accomplish is part of THEIR journey, that only they own-and every success and failure that comes with their journey. We each own our journey and to be transparent, do we really want to have the success of someone else never knowing what comes with it or what sacrifice was made? We want the win but we don't know the battle. Neither is ours to have. But we do have the power on our own journeys to get our wins, recover from our losses and to keep growing!
I have also shared with women the importance of being careful when we see a “win” for someone that may bring about feelings of envy. It’s not in every case that the “win” is actually for the greater good and we don’t always know what sacrifice has been made. What we should focus on is being our best selves, being good to people, staying faithful, practicing self-growth and healing, holding ourselves accountable and surrounding ourselves with those who support our visions. If we focus there, much of our time and hard work will be well spent. The other way to view this is that witnessing someone else succeeding could actually be motivating and inspiring for us. What if we channeled that energy into doing what we need to do for our purpose, seeking the resources we need to make it happen! What if part of your journey in succeeding has everything to do with a a person that can help you get there, including those you see that you may not support, but they could be the one to help make it happen for you..and you could be delaying in progress because of that missing piece.
When we address our “ugly truth” and work on it, it will bring about changes in the way in which we view ourselves and others. It will bring us to a place of celebrating someone else’s success as opposed to envying it. We must first recognize that there is some self-work to do before we get there. If we don’t know the areas of growth we need, we can’t get to a place of working on it. Spend time with yourself thinking about what areas you need to grow. Ask yourself what comes to mind when you see someone “winning” and what feelings come with that. Whether you know the woman or not, what comes up for you? What is the deeper history behind your feelings? Are there areas of abandonment, trauma and pain that have not been addressed that get carried in your relationships with others? Do you carry those feelings so much so that even in looking at others, it triggers feelings of inadequacy that are more rooted in your own experiences than in the person viewed as your “competition”.
Start your work there.
In recognizing our feelings and understanding our histories attached, we can recognize the behaviors attached and whether they bring forth positive change for us and our circles or if the behaviors bring about toxic feelings or actions that cause drama or mess! Truth be told, we ALL have the capacity to be…”a mess” BUT addressing our ugly truth AND working on it, brings us to the freedom of being who we are truly called to be, when we do our work.
As this new year unfolds, charge yourself with working on “you” because ultimately this life journey is about constantly working on self. The more you work on you, your healing and your constant growth, the more you will embrace who you are, falling in love with the layers of who you are, which will bring you to the purpose you are called to bring forth and who you are called to be. In achieving that biggest “win” in life (knowing and loving yourself), the success will follow, if it is truly your God given purpose in this life. When we achieve this, the feelings of envy when seeing another woman “win”, are less likely because we know for each of us there is a “win”-a blessing with our name on it! We don’t have the power to block someone else’s and they don’t have the power to block ours.
Move through this year with healing, grace, humility, self-growth and self-affirmation. What is yours…will be yours!